i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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