i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
