He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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