So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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