I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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