i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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