Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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