Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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