dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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