"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
