you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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