I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
