im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do vagina's smell?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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