My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
