Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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