update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
