i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
