Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
