currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
