I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
