hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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