She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
