college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
