Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
