Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
