We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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