dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
