I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
