all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
