i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
