I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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