Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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