I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
