you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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