you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
