I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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