my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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