Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
