I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
