just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
