Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What a dumb baby whore.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
