the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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