you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
