this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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