I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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