It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
