I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
