I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
