glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You're like the curious george of whores
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
