i would punch a child for taco bell
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
