remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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