My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
