Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
