Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
