Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
