Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
